my great awakening

(Disclaimer: I have had a lot of thoughts floating around in my head recently. After reading this post, you will quickly realize how out of practice I am at writing. A year away from school work has done me no good. Nonetheless, I feel I need to share these ideas, and more importantly, try to work through them in a cohesive fashion. Hopefully I can manage to carry a train of thought.)

As my friend Ellen recently mentioned in her blog (back in April... when I began writing this), traveling is always a good time for self reflection. I think there is something so helpful about being removed from your everyday life that allows you to look at your situation more objectively. So, during my trip to Vegas, (as much as a contradiction as this may seem), I was contemplating life, religion, and politics, and wondering what it means to appropriately blend the three.

I couldn't have done this without the help of my newest hero, Jim Wallis. Any of you Geneva grads may recognize the name from Poli Sci, as a few of his articles were required reading. But let me tell you, what was required was definitely not enough. I have been reading through his book "The Great Awakening", which I fittingly purchased in D.C. in March. The book talks about politics, and how our current system is failing to address many of the most important issues in our society, and about the responsibility of the people, (especially Christians, and especially young people) to hold the government and other institutions responsible for pursuing the common good.

Now, before I jump into a nonsensical ramble and fail to articulate the importance of this message, I want to encourage you all to find this book and read it. And if you can't find it, just let me know. I will mail it to you, or bring it to you, or read it to you over the phone. But the bottom line is, this book needs to change the way we think about politics, about the possibilities of what our society could look like, about what it means to live out our Christian beliefs, etc. Okay, so maybe this book isn't the epitome what changes need to be made, but it definitely encourages critical thinking that is based on the message of the gospel.
And I warn you: this post is going to be long.

At the fundamental basis of this book, Wallis states that neither political party in America has all the answers. The Republican party has long taken on the image of being the evangelical, Chrisitian party, but it's platform seems to miss many of the critical teachings of the gospel (ie. caring for the poor, being good stewards of God's creation, treating all humans with equal respect). While the Democrats may seem to have more compassion for the poor, they tend to neglect the need for common morals and values. What we need are people who are more loyal to the gospel than they are to either party. It can't be about getting into office, or keeping any one party in power. It has to be about the greater good. Our political system feels so ineffective because politicians have stopped caring about the common good. They are more concerned about who is "right", or who wins votes, or who will pay them the most to take a particular stand on an issue. I'm actually kind of sad that there aren't more independent candidates. I want somebody to run on the Gospel ticket. I want a leader than can prayerfully interpret the gospel to today's biggest issues. I want that to be their main concern, without worrying about their funding or the poll results. I want them to institute policies that encourage the building and maintenance of families, that help support people who cannot support themselves, that respect God's creation.

It's kind of sad, but that seems like a dream, doesn't it? The system is too corrupt to produce those kinds of leaders, and honestly, I think a majority of the country is just too lazy to really engage. Most people just vote straight down the ticket, without considering the intentions of the candidates. I know I have, especially for local government, but maybe that's the kind of government that is most important to pay attention to. Maybe that is where we have to start to really effect any kind of change.

My engagement with politics goes in cycles. At times I become extremely engaged. I read about the issues and want to fix them. I get passionate, I develop arguments. And then, after getting all worked up, I often find myself discouraged by people who argue without knowing the facts, who get their information from election commercials. I get frustrated and begin to feel like things will never change. I become apathetic and stop reading up on the issues. I stop caring. And then, after not caring for a while, some issue will really light my fire, and it begins all over again. Always with the same result. Perhaps my passive-agressive, "peacemaker" personality sets me up for failure in the world of politics, which, at its core is defined by conflict and debate. All I really want is to pursue the common good-- not the good of banks, or big business, or estate taxes, but the good of the single mothers, the immigrants, the unemployed. That means that, more often than not, democratic policies appeal to me more than republican ones. I just hope that I don't become too enamored with one party. Neither has the answers.

When I registered to vote at 18, I registered as a Republican. I was a senior at a private Christian school, and all my life, I had been lead to believe that Jesus was for the Republicans. During my college years, I began to question that association. I began thinking more critically, and noticed a disconnect between the gospel's teachings and the Right's policies. I was frustrated that approximately 90% of the campus was voting Republican, and probably 90% of that 90% hadn't really thought through any issues. They were voting on a single issue-- abortion. I changed my party to Democrat. But after reading this book, I am tempted to change to Independent. Not that being a registered Democrat means that I have to vote Democrat all the time, but I just want to remind myself to think through the issues before I vote a certain way.

Don't get me wrong, abortion is horrible. And I definitely disagree with it. But when did it become the most important issue? If we are going to outlaw abortion, can we please try to do more to help those women who find themselves in the horrible position of having to decide whether to give the baby up or trying raising it without being sure of how she will be able to feed it, clothe it, and provide shelter for it? How can we be against abortions, and then force women to raise their babies in poverty? How can we be against abortions, and at the same time be against teaching kids the importance of safe sex and contraception? Even though Republicans are so adamantly against abortions, the numbers actually increased during Bush's term. What does that mean? That the social programs during the Clinton administration must have done something to help keep the numbers down, and maybe we can learn something from that. Outlawing something doesn't necessarily mean it will fix the problem. (Prohibition, anyone?) Abortion can't be a singled out issue. It can't be the only thing that decides our vote. We need people of all parties and beliefs and to work together to develop realistic solutions to discourage abortions and help eliminate the need for them. (And my jaded half realizes that bipartisanship is just a dream.)

...
We all know that God has a sense of humor, right? Have you ever had a moment of cosmic hilarity, when you know that God has put you in a situation on purpose? In those moments, I can just feel God chuckling, and I feel good because I am quick enough to pick up on the joke.
In the midst of all of these issues swirling around my head, I decided that I need to start going to church. There is a Presbyterian church a few blocks away, so I went one Sunday. The pastor was talking about Carrying the Cross, and how being a Christian needs to be a risk (though I get the feeling he was talking more about participating in church functions and volunteering your time/money/etc to the church, rather than my own current thoughts about what it means for Christianity to be risky). The average age of the congregation, I think, was about 72. Not necessarily the most progressive demographic. Anyway, he asked a few questions, "are you here because you were raised in a Christian household?" "are you here because you have gone to church your whole life?" "are you here because America is a Christian nation, and going to church is what you do on a Sunday?" ... answers were silent, but for the last question, an old man yelled.. "WELL, IT SHOULD BE!"
Unfortunately, I think I have to disagree.

Just as neither party can be a Christian party, America cannot be a Christian nation. Say what you will about the founding fathers' religious beliefs, but they worked the Separation of Church and State in there for a reason. It would simply be unrealistic for a country to be able to live out Christ's teachings the way an individual can (granted, no individual can either, but we can strive for it.) Example: War and Peace. We are told to love our neighbors, to turn the other cheek, to pray for our enemies, that revenge is the Lord's. On an individual level, these are much easier to work out (though they are still difficult to do). On a national level, it seems much less probable to occur. Here comes the debate about just war theory, which I am not even going to touch. (Though, believe me, in my opinion there have been very few "just wars".)

The government is in place to help society function on civil level. The church is (or should be) majorly concerned with the spiritual well-being of the people, including showing Christ's example of love to those who need it most. I realize that all of this is debatable, but I believe that the church and government need to work in a way to support the areas where the other may be lacking. A church may not have all of the necessary resources, and the government doesn't have the ability to offer emotional and spiritual support the way the church can. All of these things are necessary.

Needless to say, all of this has inspired a worldview crisis within me. While I feel immense passion for living the gospel of Christ, loving the unloved, and serving others, I realize that my lifestyle does not appropriately reflect that. I know what I have to do. I need to find a church, build a community. I need to get involved. I need to see the needs of my community first hand, understand how things work, and advocate on its behalf. But it's just so hard to dive in.

I have to admit that I cried at the end of this book. Partially, I think, out of hope, and partially for not knowing where to begin with the whole politics thing. It's really a bewildering feeling to be so passionate about something while feeling so helpless at the same time.

In the afterword, Jim Wallis says:
"Ask where your gifts intersect with the groaning needs of the world-- right there is your vocation. The antidote to cynicism is not optimism, but action. And action is finally born out of hope. Try to remember that. The key is to believe that the world can be changed, because it is only that belief that ever changes the world."

I just found that quote so inspiring. I guess I can't single-handedly correct the political atmosphere of the country, but I can be a diligent, loving citizen. I can use my gifts well, and continue to be involved, instead of giving up when I become overwhelmed with it all. I need to have hope in Christ, not in a particular candidate. I need to let my faith dictate my actions.
But this will take a lot of work.

(After proof-reading this, I realize that it may all sound a little disconnected and sporadic. But as I said in my disclaimer, I'm out of practice with writing... and I am piecing together little bits that I wrote at different times over the last month. So if there is anything in particular that doesn't make sense, or that you want to discuss, let me know. I would so much rather hear your opinions than have you discard all of my ramblings. Clearly I am still trying to work through this stuff, and any input you have would definitely be appreciated.)

God Bless!

may the horse be with you...

Today, for the first time in a very, very long time, I listened to Relient K.

This is the music of my high school years. Maybe a little bit of my college years as well, but mostly high school. And it's great. I mean, my musical tastes have obviously evolved.... But I just love how music has the ability to take you back to a certain time and place. I can clearly remember the days of riding around in cars, listening to all of this music, because there was nothing else to do in high school. I remember listening to all of these tunes on my portable cd player during my long bus rides to and from school. I remember going to all of those Relient K shows, and meeting the band a million times, and thinking it was the coolest thing that would ever happen to me. ...Oh, but look at me now! haha.

Don't even get me started on the flashbulb memories I have of "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional. Good times.

Oh, and Ps. I am still in love with Relient K's wittiness and wordsmithery. All of this may have re-inspired the crush I once had on Matt T. haha

to everything (turn, turn, turn) there is a season

I promise that I attempt to update sometimes, but it just never actually gets published. I am working on a masterpiece, and I still haven't finished it. It will be long, but it will be about my newest favorite subject, religion and politics, and my newest hero, Jim Wallis.

Anyway.. on a totally unrelated note.

My season of waiting has come to an end!

Just as I was beginning to accept my fate as having to default to my Plan B, or maybe even my Plan C, I got the best news ever. I will be heading to Spain again this fall. For a school year. To teach English in a public school. I am thrilled.

Annnnd....I am so incredibly nervous. I need to go dig out some old journals, because every time I am about to leave for Spain I get overcome with anxiety. The only thing is, every time I have gone, it has turned out wonderfully. This has become my cycle.

I definitely have high expectations for this next year. But I am not naiive. I know that it will come with its fair share of trials and its days filled with loneliness and feeling like I am misunderstood or incapable of expressing myself. All of those, unfortunately, have been familiar feelings before. And I am sure they will be familiar again. But all I know is this.... whether this turns out to be the best experience ever, or the most trying experience ever, good things will come. All of the biggest risks that I have taken have led to the biggest rewards. And I'm not sure I've ever taken a risk of such proportions.

The only thing I know so far about this whole ordeal is that I will be in Castilla la Mancha, the province where Toledo is located. I don't know what city I will be in yet, but I am praying that it will be Toledo. As much as Sevilla was my home in Spain, Toledo was even more so. I feel like I was more independent in Toledo, I made my own connections there. Not necessarily with American students, but with Spaniards. If I go back, I want to volunteer at the place I had my internship. I want to stay in touch with my friends. I know the city, I am comfortable there. (And, for this reason, I would not be surprised if God sent me somewhere else. After all, what fun is life if we never leave our comfort zones?!)

To be honest, there are still a million emotions running through my mind. At random moments of my day, I may be elated, or really contemplative, maybe a little nervous, a little sad. I get really hopeful, and my mind wanders to the thousands of possibilities that await me there. I think about my friends who will be on that side of the world, and the opportunities that I will have to travel. I am truly bless to have this opportunity once again.

This is such an exciting time. Please keep me in your prayers as I try to work through the logistics of the whole thing. Pray for my family. Pray that I have an open spirit. And most of all, pray for me, because I don't really have the first clue about how to teach English in a public school. :)